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🚨Warning! 🚨
The following is NOT intended to persuade the reader towards or away from any specific religion, or belief system.
The intention is to foster discussion and have an open dialogue about this topic.
I encourage every reader to share their perspective regardless if they disagree or agree with my conclusion.
Feel free to skip the backstory as it’s not necessary to engage with the post.
Nor is it imperative to understand the article.
The Origin: (Feel free to skip)
Since I was a kid, I questioned everything…
Not to be difficult or annoying but because I wanted to understand why things were/ are that way.
At age 6 I asked my mom where God came from? If he had parents or came from an egg? (lol) And where did his parents or egg come from?
My mom didn’t have an answer for me so she told me to ask our pastor and I did. His answer? Well…
“He has always existed. Before time, and space.”
As a kid I couldn’t wrap my head around the concept of before time and space. The Big Bang has a similar problem… As what caused the bang?
Growing up I spent most of my time at church. We were part of several churches/ congregations.
Sunday service was going to a different church in the morning, afternoon, and evening. Monday was bible study, Wednesday was worship group, and Friday was youth group.
Every pastor I met, I would ask a series of questions.
I decided to read the Bible in it’s entirety around the age of 14. By the time I got to Leviticus, I was appalled by some of the verses in there.
The older I got the more my list of questions grew…
The Lore: (Feel free to skip)
When I got access to the internet, I started to research answers on my own. But…
Every website / article had a different excuse or justification for the verse in question.
So I would go back and forth with more questions and concerns to different pastors and church members.
Some would be annoyed thinking I was looking for a reason to sin. I wasn’t.
Others…
Would assume I’m trying to convert them into a different world view. Mine matched theirs back then so I wasn’t. I just had questions.
Most were upset that I had the audacity to question things to begin with.
But a few…
They didn’t mind having those hard conversation. They loved it. They weren’t defensive or trying to be right, but genuinely were invested in the convo.
But it all became predictable on what they would say depending on their denomination. Most would have the same talking points. After awhile I knew their response before they even said it.
At that time I wasn’t trying to argue or prove them wrong. I genuinely wanted someone to be able to put all my questions, concerns and doubt to rest. But it NEVER happened.
Finally around 19, I was talking to this youth pastor who told me…
“You either believe all of it or none of it.”
That was the day I decided to no longer call myself a Christian.
He was right! I couldn’t cherry pick what I believed in the bible and still call myself a christian. So I didn’t. Man was this painful.
This was NOT an easy decision. It took me years for me to finally admit this. I was already ostracized in church. This was the nail in the coffin.
But I didn’t really care what the church thought. I cared that my entire life up to that point was a lie. My whole world view came crashing down.
It was extremely painful as I considered my dad to be “God”.
Through uncomfortable questions and lots of cognitive dissonance I had to let go of the belief that gave me hope, comfort and peace.
Rediscovering Miracles / The magic:
(Feel Free to skip)
When I became agnostic, my life was EXTREMELY ordinary. No synchronicities, No omens. Nothing miraculous. Not even regular consequences.
Until…
I read The Alchemist. Suddenly I started seeing things differently.
It made me believe again. Not in Christianity…
But… Believing in something greater than myself and this reality.
A higher power. My purpose and the role I had…
Then in jail, (lol) I read “Just Another Spiritual Book” by Bo Lozoff.
For the first time I found someone who thought like me. There is a chapter in the book where BO writes a letter to God and it gives me goosebumps till this day.
I read his other book “Deep and simple”, it confirmed what I was already thinking…
What if Religion is man’s interpretation of the higher power / God?
What if all religions have a piece of the puzzle but not the whole picture?
What if it’s not about what you believe but the impact that belief has on you?
Along my journey I discovered Alan Watts, Terence Mckenna, Ello Eckhart and eventually…
Carl Jung (Found out about him two years ago through a coworker)
These people had a huge impact on me. Gave me a fresh perspective.
But also continued to make me hella confused…
So what’s the reason I’m telling you this? (CRUCIAL START HERE)
From Christian to agnostic, to buddhist to idk what you would call it now?
New age Christian? (Ewe)
Gnostic? (Kinda)
Alchemist? (Def)
Mystic? (Hell nah)
Skeptic? (Yes, very)
Spiritual-ish with a scientific remix? (Sure why not)
I hate labels…
You can’t put me or my belief in a box, (It’s a millennial thing, lol)
It’s not because I want to be a contrarian or feel special… But I hate labels cause…
I’m still learning and questioning things. Still figuring it out.
Although I don’t subscribe to any organized religions, and love science….
I’m also fascinated by different belief systems. I am very open minded. But…
There’s a saying…
“Don’t be so open minded that your brain falls out.”
So the endless battle begins. The skeptical side VS the spiritual.
How do you juggle with the facts? What happens when facts contradicts faith?
NO seriously? I am asking you! LOL How do you guys juggle it?
Now let’s add mental illness.
What makes it worse is once I discovered what mania, psychosis and delusions were…
It added another layer of confusion and doubt. Especially when I finally went and got diagnosed.
When I was diagnosed with Bipolar 2 last year… First I was in denial.
Cause if that was true then… All the experiences I had were just delusions?
Was all the crazy spiritual experiences caused by my mental illness?
My growth has always come from doubt… Constantly questioning others but also myself.
Being willing to say: “I might be wrong.”
“Is this the truth or what I want to be true?”
“It’s better to live with the truth than a lie.”
“Am I searching for answers that confirm my beliefs or challenge it?”
These questions alone has saved me from becoming an insufferable ego maniac more times than I can count.
(Although I have been an egotistical sh!t head plenty of times in the past.)
But the thing that kept me believing was the “out of this world” experiences that occurred through out my life. If the diagnosis was true…
It would wave all those experiences away. I was simply manic, delusional or bat sh!t crazy.
After lots of self-reflection, I realized how my pattern of behavior was very apparent and similar to the symptoms of being Bipolar.
By the end of the summer last year The cycle was hitting me in the face.
I could no longer deny it.
I mean I could but deep down I knew. I was in denial.
So I had another crisis of faith. I was back to square one.
More confused and lost than ever.
Lost and then found?
When I was fully Christian, I had answers but suppressed questions.
When I was fully agnostic, I had questions but suppressed answers.
When I was a Buddhist, the question nor the answer mattered but neither did wonder and my purpose.
When I went full “YouTube philosopher / spiritual” mode, I started losing structure. Descended into chaos. Or what some might call the Dark Night Of the Soul…
After experiencing some of my darkest moments and I cussed God out a few times…
I prayed… (lol) First for a specific outcome. But eventually I prayed for clarity.
It seemed like all the growth, personal development and pain I endured was in vain. For what? WTF bro? Then he answered…
“If you did it for a reward, or a specific outcome then It was in vain. If you did it to truly become a better person and get closer to me then it was not.”
Lowkey I was still pissed. All that and I don’t get anything for my suffering besides some character development? Ain’t that a b!tch.
But I trusted that it couldn’t be like this forever… Right? So I let go. I let go of it all.
I let go of wanting any result or outcome and started living in the present moment.
Suddenly… Blessing after blessing started to happen. Better Job, and opportunities. Then the synchronicities returned… But a specific one I ignored.
I kept Ignoring it until I couldn’t. Because this one was had caused me more pain, humiliation and suffering than I care to admit. I wasn’t going back.
I was happy… I had options... And I had moved on…
Until I wasn’t and I didn’t… I self sabotaged once again and had no other option to return to hell. But this time it would be different. Right?
Hell Nah… Being delusional can be fun when you’re aware of your delusions…
But it can become HORRIFYING, when you’re not sure where you’re suppose to be going or what you’re suppose to be doing. When you’re lost with out a guide.
When your spirit guides/ angels or w/e you call them are currently out of reach.
We Are Here… Now What?
I always try to find the most reasonable explanation for things. But…
I’ve experienced synchronicities that felt too aligned to ignore.
Miraculous events / divine intervention that have no explanation.
But…
I’ve also experienced mental states where everything felt significant.
Where delusions of grandeur ran rampant.
Where I began to be on some Kanye shiii. Never go full Kanye!
Things I thought were true but turned out I was dead ass wrong.
So how does one discern reality when it’s in the eye of the beholder.
This isn’t just confusing. It’s horrifying.
I don’t think…
Blind faith is strength. That’s foolish
Or blind skepticism is intelligence. That’s arrogance.
I think the strongest position is to always strive to be…
Curious.
Grounded. And…
Willing to update our belief system.
Although now I’m less concerned about the “right religion”…
I’m more interested in:
Does this belief make me kinder?
Does it make me more responsible?
Does it make me harder to manipulate?
Does it improve how I treat myself and others?
If it does? Cool.
But If it makes me feel paranoid, superior, or disconnected from reality?
Red fckin flag…
But again reality or “objective truth” is different based on who you ask.
Everyone thinks their religion, world view or belief system is the truth.
Meanwhile I’m over here like:
“Can we talk about it without trying to win?”
I refuse / can’t shut off one half of my brain to protect the other. I tried!
To Be Continued…
My goal isn’t to pick a side… Or a specific religion.
The goal is integration. Can you be scientific but also spiritual?
I created Storm & Center to document the journey.
Not to preach or stand on my soap box (Or wine crate lol)
I don’t have all the answers. Shi I barely got any answers…
I have way more questions than answers honestly…
This site and it’s newsletter is about helping people navigate the “storm” without losing their center.
Sometimes those “storms” are difficult emotions, thoughts or problems.
Other times they’re a bunch of difficult questions we don’t have the answers to?
Here’s my question for you dear reader?
(Did you make it this far?)
How do you navigate?
How do you discern the bull sh!t from your belief system?
Between revelation and delusion?
Between intuition and projection?
Between synchronicities and Apophenia?
What is a trauma response, and what is your intuition?
What do you do when your belief goes against science, history or facts?
How do you hold faith and facts in the same hand without dropping one?
I genuinely want to know! This isn’t a rhetorical question. I need help. LMFAO
Here are some more questions for you.
Care to answer?
Have you ever changed your core belief system? What triggered it?
Do you believe faith and doubt can coexist? Or does one cancel out the other?
At what point does questioning become rebellion?
Do you trust your intuition? Why or why not?
Where do you personally draw the line between spiritual awakening and psychological instability?
Have you ever had an experience that felt mystical but later realized it had a psychological explanation?
What safeguards do you use to reality-check yourself?
When was the last time you said, “I might be wrong” — and meant it?
Are you actually open-minded… or just looking for answers that confirm your beliefs?
Email me with your answers at…
[email protected]
And I’ll include your answers in next weeks newsletter. (Unless you tell me not too or rather be annynomous .)
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