In partnership with
Why it feels like a movie…
Limerence can feel like you’re in a movie, where you bleed to know to you’re alive. (lol)
Why is that though?
Well we romanticize every moment.
Every eye contact, every smile you gave them.
Every time your hand brushed against each others.
You replay the scenes, adding your own soundtrack. Unfortunately your brain creating a dopamine dependency on a person who sometimes never asked to be part of your story.
It’s an involuntary obsessive longing/ yearning for a person.
You idealize them, replay interactions, search for signs and allow one message/ synchronicity just to determine whether your entire week has meaning.
The obsession is more about wanting/ yearning for them.
It is about desperately wanting proof that they want you back.
What Causes Limerence?
Limerence usually grows in the space between hope and uncertainty.
The person gives you enough attention to keep possibility alive, but not enough consistency to make you feel secure.
Your brain hates the uncertainty and becomes obsessed with solving it.
(This is also a popular play with narcs with a hot and cold method. Not always though. They can also be avoidant.)
What happens inside the brain? (Getting Nerdy)
Direct brain imaging research on limerence itself is still missing. But…
The closest evidence comes from studies of intense early romantic love.
When researchers scanned 17 intensely-in-love participants, photographs of their partners activated the ventral tegmental area and caudate—dopamine-rich systems associated with reward, motivation and focused pursuit. Fisher, Aron and Brown, 2005
Another study compared 20 people who had recently fallen in love, 20 people with OCD and 20 controls. Recent lovers and OCD patients both showed lower platelet serotonin-transporter density than controls. That does not mean love is OCD, but it may help explain why early attraction can include intrusive, repetitive thinking. Marazziti and colleagues, 1999
Love can retain reward without remaining obsessive. An fMRI study of 17 people married for an average of 21.4 years found activity in reward regions alongside systems associated with attachment and bonding. Acevedo and colleagues, 2012
ADHD and the romantic dopamine side quest
ADHD does not automatically cause limerence, and research directly connecting the two remains limited. However, ADHD traits such as hyperfocus, impulsivity, emotional intensity and reward sensitivity may amplify the cycle.
In a PET study of 53 unmedicated adults with ADHD and 44 controls, researchers found differences in dopamine markers within the nucleus accumbens and midbrain—regions involved in reward and motivation. Volkow and colleagues, 2009
That does not mean people with ADHD are simply “low on dopamine.”
It means reward processing can function differently. An unpredictable person may become a high-stimulation project: new messages, hidden meanings, rejection, hope, plot twists.
Basically, your crush bread crumbing you becomes a human slot machine. And lowkey we get addicted to it.
Love or limerence?
Limerence | Love |
|---|---|
Needs uncertainty | Builds clarity |
Idealizes potential | Sees the whole person |
Depends on reciprocation for emotional stability | Allows two stable identities |
Produces compulsive checking and analyzing | Supports trust and communication |
Ignores incompatibility | Accepts reality |
Makes boundaries feel like rejection | Respects boundaries |
Asks, “How do I get chosen?” | Asks, “Can we choose each other well?” |
Shrinks your life around one person | Expands life for both people |
How to stop limerence
Separate facts from fan fiction. Write what the person has consistently done not what their eye contact might mean. Not what you think the universe wants. (LOL)
Stop feeding the rituals. Reduce replaying the memories. (LMFAO, Ketchup ass bish) profile checking, message rereading, manufactured encounters and imaginary conversations.
Every ritual teaches your brain that the obsession deserves attention.Accept the available answer. Read consistent behavior instead of decoding breadcrumbs like ancient scripture.
Let the fantasy become ordinary. List incompatibilities, missing information and needs the relationship cannot currently meet. Install the entire person and their action not the highlight reel.
Diversify your dopamine. Get a hobby, move around type shiii. Reintroduce friends, exercise, creativity, novelty and achievable goals. Your brain needs more than one source of anticipation.
Treat the wound beneath the obsession. CBT, attachment-focused therapy and exposure response prevention may help. In one published case, CBT-based treatment reduced limerence rituals from 225 to 10 over nine months—but it was only one patient, not a clinical trial. Wyant, 2021
You do not stop limerence by proving the person was worthless. Or devaluing them. (But also fck her. JK jk lol)
You stop by realizing that your life is too valuable to remain trapped inside what if.
You do you and eventually love will come to you when you least expect it.
Loser logging off.
Legend loading…
Check out our sponsor.
Trade What Happens Next
From elections and inflation to sports, tech, and more, Kalshi lets you trade on the real-world events you already follow. Buy “Yes” or “No” contracts based on what you think will happen, then earn returns if you’re right.
Pick a market, make your prediction, and put your knowledge to work.
Bonus credit varies from $15 to $500. Terms apply.